Sad Story: how I get depressed from time to time and what I do about it

[Ralphatron 19]

This isnt one of those seeking help topics or something like that, its just a way of sharing some of my not so happy experiences with the comunity and letting people who maybe are in the same situaition or a similar one: you´re not alone.

Ive had drinking problems for some years now, it all started back in college when I was around 20, im 30 now so, 10s years ago give or take. I didnt have the will to drink nor smoking to much, I did it like regularly from time to time with my friends. The I got to college and I got lost in the crazy party live that college is. Met a girl, we stayed together for 4 years, she ended up leaving me for my drinking problems mostly, and I cant really blame her, since I wouldnt even date myself if I looked in the mirror back then and watched the monster I had become. I smoked joints too, not so much regularly but every so often. This life in college lasted almost 6 years. When she left me and I stayed there for two more years just working, paying my bills off and trying to get by and I was it with a severe depression, which I never really at the time looked for any professional help and I cant even say if clinicly it could be diagnosed as depression.

The sympthoms of depression can vary from people to people, some with deeper and more severe levels that can even sometimes lead to suicidal thoughts, others with mid intensity level and others with just a glimpse of it that after some days it just completely disapears. It went like this for me: at first it started slowly, I still continued to party and do the crazy life when I could to bounce it off even if just for a few hours, but I just felt like nothing made sense anymore, even the things I loved to do like videogames and guitar for example just felt like a chore to me. For two years I was always like this, which is also the reason I eventualy decided to quit Arch/Design which I was studying at the time. I started working and I still stayed there for those two years, hiting on girls from time to time, getting wasted, doing all that crazy life. Over time in these two years my depression got worse. There were moments that could just last for minutes, hours or even days, when going to sleep was a way to get "high" and not feel anything for that time period. On days off or on free time I just stayed there, in a room alone, looking at the walls, sometimes crying and regreting that she left me and all the crazy stuff I did and the drugs I was a slave to, because at the end of the day, even things like cigaretes or alchool, altought not heavy like, for example, cocain, are still a type of drug, can ruin your live, sometimes make you numb to something like depression or other times make it even worse. Those days alone in a dark room sometimes I would get wasted at home until I went to sleep without feeling anything anymore, wake up next day, repeat it, other times I would just lie in bed, or comfortably numb looking at a wall for hours and hours. Eventualy I started getting some suicidal thoughts, thinking things like "what If I just ended it all? Would the pain go away?". 

These thoughts never really got to a point were I would actualy finish it all cause I didnt have the courage and im glad I didnt. At that time I decided it was better to return to my hometown and move back with my parents, by this point I was around 26 almost. I did that, I found a new job and during the next two years I would just balance from one job to another and find the next thing. Over this period of time I decided I want to do a half-degree in programing and It systems while working during the day and studying at night. This lasted for two years, I got a degree which would make me transition and get a job as a programer which I still have to this day and now im in the middle of my second year of computer enginiring. This part of my life got satisfied, I also didnt have to much trouble since I had always been good with computers and as long as I studied and went to class my marks were top notch. During these years the depression still just stays to this day as something that sometimes comes and goes. Its not as bad as it used to be. I started eventualy doing cocain and I got much better control over my alchool adiction. I never got the point where I needed it everyday, thats what a true junkie and crackhead is, their mood swings and they start getting paranoid if they dont have it every couple of hours. 

These days im trying to quit everything, I still smoke daily, although not as much as I used too and I only drink and do cocain like every two months or so when I have a relapse and the depression hits harder one week or another. After my last relationship I never got a girlfriend again, Im just too much afraid the same thing happens again since my last relationship took a piece of my mental sanity with it, and even though deepdown I wish I started something new with a new girl I just stay confined to my comfort zone, which I know is wrong if you dont take risks, but at least here Im safe. I hit it and quit with girls from time to time and I keep it casual. The depression now just has phases, which is normaly when I have a relapse and end up on alchool and cocain for like one night, eventualy it gets me numb and after somedays I recover and everything goes back to normal. Some weeks im more motivated, other im less motivated, and other weeks Im just here trying to stay alive with no will to ever leave my bed for whole days, but even so, i continue to fight against these demons that have posessed me and my adictions are much more controlled. I want to get to the point where I completely finish it for good.

Thanks for letting me share, not trying to get any advice or anything, just letting some steam off and letting people in the same situation know they are not alone. In fact, I think this condition is pretty common these days with millenials and gen z. Unfortunatly.

[Haider-sama 40]

As someone who has been through this thing for 5 years. I can suggest you start doing some martial arts like MMA, boxing or any other fighting sport. And don't try to go near drugs. Trust me, depression is nothing but an illusion. It's just a thing in your head. I'm way more happy now because I'm past that phase. You can change your life in a year, if you really want to since nobody actually cares tbh. It's you, your past self and future self that cares about you. But in my personal opinion, if you follow some martial arts. Your mind actually fixes itself after sometime. Just join an MMA gym. That's just my 2 cents on this topic. 

[Ralphatron 19]

Im getting more control of it day by day. This happens for a few days now every two months when I have a relapse and then after a few days I get back on my feet again. I do exercise on a weekly basis. I do walks in nature, I lift, I ride my bike every now and then, and for sure, it helps a lot doing some kind of exercise to wear things off, not just to the body but to the mind as well. 

[Haider-sama 40]

That's great. I understand relapse is really really hard to avoid. But good to hear your'e improving.

[Tex 138]

Always feel free to message me on Discord @ Tex  if you simply want someone to talk to.

I find the joys of simply going outside to take a walk really beneficial if i am ever feeling sad. Alcohol, drugs, smoking etc... are all really hard on your body and fuel your problems. They make the body lazy and when the body doesn't feel good, you don't either. I cant imagine how easy it is to say but how insanely hard it is to do, but cut that shit out of your life. You will feel amazing 

Pulling for you dude  

[Gamo 17]

Go to the gym run relax yourself u got this champ 

[Pedro67 1]

you are strong you can do without it nothing is insurmountable a great strength